It has been a hectic month or so: I have finally submitted my last piece of university work and I wait for my provisional classification to be confirmed, I have been taking on extra responsibilities at work and a whole new role at university, and I have had the stress of not knowing what was happening with the last part of my tuition fee lifted off my shoulders and some financial weight as well. But there has also been negative chaos in my life: the redefining of relationships, the search for a new job and ultimately – what am I even doing with my life? The negative chaos sadly doesn’t just exist in these areas, it has been seeping into all aspects of my life, even the seemingly good ones mentioned, bringing me to something of a standstill.
So, on to gardening – bare with me, this will make sense.
Today was an extremely productive day for myself and my housemate! We got our fridge sorted, the old one removed and replaced in under 2 hours, we voted, and we finally sorted out our garden. For us, this is an extremely good day! The garden may not seem a big deal but believe me, it was. I wish I had taken a photo to show just how bad it was but it was something of a small meadow, which I did feel guilty for completely destroying with a strimmer as there were some beautiful flowers growing in there. Many hours later and we can now see our garden again but we still have a lot to do.
As I got stuck into the garden – and after freaking out about the huge spider which crawled out from underneath our green bin and towards the open living room window – I really quite enjoyed it. I sometimes – okay, quite frequently – struggle to tackle the things that need to be done but once I am doing them, I feel better for it. There is a sense of achievement, even if I don’t like the task.
I realised quite suddenly that the garden was the perfect metaphor for both my current and previous mental states. The state it was in when we went out there earlier today demonstrated how ill I became near the end of 2014, when I continued to keep going and do nothing when all the warning signs were there screaming at me that if I didn’t stop and do something soon, I would crumble. And I did in an extremely frightening way. Since then it has been a process of trying to cut back the heavy depression and anxiety that has grown up around me to get to the core of myself again, and, as cliché as this may sound, to start tidying up the garden of my mind. The weeds were huge, difficult to tackle and the roots still in need of being dug up and they will be difficult to completely get rid of, just like some of the big issues I have for so long just pushed to the back of, not just my mind, but of my consciousness. The wild flowers that had popped up in the garden were hidden by the tall grass and weeds which had grown up around them, smothering their beauty, felt like the little sparks of goodness that I have managed to keep hold of during the worst parts of my depression, or at the least the goodness that others say I have.
As I cut back the grass and cleared it away, I remembered how I felt almost a year ago when it suddenly hit me that I was starting to do okay, just how good it felt to have finally done something about how ill I was! But the garden also served as a warning for me – this is what happens when you know something needs to be done but you continue to ignore it, until it becomes out of control and a difficult task. This is me at this moment in time. The garden isn’t finished, it requires mowing, a lot tidying up, and potentially a trip to the tip to get rid of the vast amount of garden we have removed! And if it is left it will all grow back, weeds and all, and become difficult again.
Some of things I discussed during my therapy have yet to be dealt with and they are steadily getting worse. This very evening I have had a reminder that if I don’t do something soon, it’s going to become such an arduous task, and it is already one that will not be easy and will have roots that could remain for a long time after. Yet it extends beyond that one thing but into how I am feeling at the moment in time in general. Although I have had good things happen after what has been an extremely difficult and dark few years, I am still not 100% (and I have started to accept the fact that I most likely never will be). Over the last few months I have felt my fatigue levels rising, my concentration slipping, struggling to turn up to work on time, and extremely recently I have felt my emotions swing wildly. I have been in tears multiple times at work, even struggled to emotionally deal with a difficult customer, and my new university job has left me feeling anxious and questioning my ability to do anything beyond what I do now. Other issues which are separate but also heavily influenced by these various difficulties, have left me having to call it day on a relationship that has been difficult but important to me – important enough for me to recognise I need to do something before the meaningfulness is damaged beyond repair. And now I am faced with severing another connection that many would deem an important one.
The most important thing right now is that I am aware that the weeds are slowly growing back and I know I need to do something before it all gets too much again. Yet here I am, wondering what on earth I should do and as I said at the beginning of this post, I feel I have ground to halt and unable to make a decision. I’ve talked about looking for a new job, new location, and potentially ditching work all together and travelling for a while and these options appeal to me, not because I think that a big change will make everything okay but because I do perhaps need to change tack and that includes finally dealing with a few things that I have put to one side for a long time. I have felt lost and I have recently expressed the feeling of not really being me or anyone substantial (I might have to talk about this in another post), so perhaps it’s time to completely dig up the garden and do something different
The Anxious Extrovert 