Evolving.

Another amazing blog from Anxiously Adulting

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This is important. This is a fact that I need to work towards and concentrate on; I need to appreciate just how far I have come. A couple of wrong turns or misdirection doesn’t stop the fact that I have come all this way. Who I was, where I have been, it is far enough behind me now that I can finally feel the sun on my skin and allow the warmth to comfort me. God knows how much further I have to go, but forward is forward, and that is all that matters.

We all fall prey to that ability of constantly comparing ourselves to others, even those who we don’t know. Before, we have those dreams of how things are going to pan out and most of the time, it doesn’t happen that way. So instead we constantly place our own existence next to someone else’s as if…

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Letters to You

Dear You,

The future can never be known. It’s like a wall that is directly in the way of our vision that never allows us to see beyond the moment we exist in now. We feel we can plan for it – we create moments that we believe will definitely happen, such as me planning the words I write now, but these moments never quite happen how we imagine them to.
The truth is that the future is dark. Do not mistake that for hopelessness, it’s just a matter of fact. Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light  and that is where the future lies, just beyond it’s reach, just beyond our vision

What we can know is the past. We can see it stretching out behind us into infinity but like the future we can never touch it. We can see it all around us, like the echoes of the beginning of time humming quietly in the background of our universe, and we live in the consequences of it.

Which brings us to now.

Now is the only moment we can ever live in. Into the future we always travel, lighting it up as we go and bringing the future into the now. Now is the moment that has been created by the past, shaped by every now that has come before. Now is the only time we can ever touch, the only time we can affect the past and the future, simultaneously, occurring so fast that we never realise what is happening at every moment.

It’s now that I write to you, as I look back at your now and many others. The times you have lain there on your bed, staring into what seems like nothingness, when actually you are putting all that you have into trying to discern just a glimpse of what lies ahead so you can feel some relief from the fear of the unknown. What I would not give to be able to let you know that I am looking back at you during those moments at some point further along in that future that is yet to be lit up by your presence.  I have often looked back to you during many pivotal moments in my life and lightly whispered it’s going to be okay in the hope that it will be soft enough to float back to you. Maybe it has somehow and that’s why I am here. Because you knew never to give up.

I see you, that little girl. Afraid, lost, confused. I know you feel alone and abandoned, that you do not understand why this has happened to you and why everyone has left you with the monsters under the bed, your voice useless because of the storm that it can create. I know you feel that it’s all your fault, I know that you’re told it’s your fault and their word is law so it must be true, but how can it be? I know all you want is for someone to scoop you up into their arms and hold you, to tell you they love you and to make you feel safe, but everything is your fault so no one does…

One day you’re going to be surrounded by people who love you, who support you, challenge you and change you. They’re going to help you find the strength to step up and face not only the  monsters under the bed but the monster they made you make out of yourself.

And I see you, sitting alone in the dark of your home. YOUR home, a sanctuary that little girl could only dream of. Once again you’re afraid, lost and confused but now there is so much more, so much guilt for the pain you have caused. You’re going nowhere with your life and everything is your fault.
I know you cannot cope any longer with the pain you feel, the weight you carry. You can feel it crushing you, the past and your decisions, your heartache and regret. You’re isolated, forgotten and you loathe the person you have become. You’re an unwanted burden and to be gone would be a relief for those tasked with having you in their lives.
I know the only thing that stays your hand is how much you love your friend and not wanting to cause anyone any more grief by having to come home to deal with that.

One day you’re going to look in the mirror and you’re going to smile. You’ll smile because you will forgive yourself and you will love who you are. Because you know you’re not a burden but an essential part of so many lives, because you are worth something.

And I know this because you are me and I am you.

Without you I would not be me and I cannot thank you enough for all you have endured to arrive at this moment on the other side. What I would not give to reach out to you at your darkest points, just to hold you for a moment, to let you know you’re going to get to the other side and it’s going to be worth it. You will feel whole alone and yet you will feel part of something. You will find purpose and you will feel joy and you will feel these things in the simplest moments of life.

So I write this letter not just to you back then but for you in the dark, waiting to be brought into the light. For you who will have more battles to fight and more moments to reach out for. A letter that crosses all time, that reassurance that you can overcome.

Yours faithfully,

Me