Factory reset

Wouldn’t it be nice if we humans had a button we could press, or a sequence of movements we could perform, which would allow us to reset to our basic default settings? You know, when life gets a bit dramatic and you can feel it weighing on you, it’s just case of holding down all the buttons and resetting yourself to begin again.

Sadly, we don’t, although we do try various methods to get rid of some the things making us glitch or clog up our memory. I spent an entire day today just reading on the sofa, while snuggled under a blanket with a cup of tea, the sound of the rain outside, and it was fab. I actually cancelled plans with people which is very unlike me as I’m a pretty desperate human who likes to be around people, and I found myself not being as restless or distracted as I usually can be – it definitely felt like a factory reset day.

I won’t lie to you, I’ve tried other methods which haven’t been as successful or just been downright harmful, some of them I’ve done in the last month despite all the time and work I’ve put into developing better coping skills. I’ve spent a lot of time with people, which in itself is actually a good thing, especially when there was a time that I cut myself off from nearly everyone, but I haven’t allowed myself the proper downtime that I needed. I’ve been out drinking a lot and, well, drinking a lot, and getting away with no hangovers, over sleeping, not sleeping enough, not dealing with the everyday stuff like doing my washing and tidying up… I’ve done worse in the past, so this is good going but the past week my chest has felt like it is ready to implode and I’ve felt claustrophobic, regardless of whether I’ve been at home or around people.

Today I couldn’t ignore my mind and body any more and I’ve just relaxed at home. I’ve been distracting myself too much recently, drinking to help sleep, relax or forget, or immersing myself in the company of friends and work too much with no real time for myself. I’ve had a pretty big things to focus, even if some not pleasant, yet now they have gone, I’ve felt a bit lost and I know I need to face all the stuff that’s happened – I’ve been afraid to be alone with my mind. I’d started to become so much more comfortable in my own company but that had gone out of the window over the last couple of months. And you know what, today wasn’t so bad. I know everything is still there but I feel more like myself again and able to face everything that I need to.

Everyone has different ways in which they reset themselves: yoga, running, gaming, walks, cleaning… others not so great. Taking a proper week off, and having at least a day to almost completely switch off from social media, no music and no one really at home was definitely my reset today.

 

What’s yours?

Self-care

The last few weeks have taught me some big lessons in self-care.

I’m surprised to find myself even writing a post at the moment, for very real reasons that I am not yet ready to talk about more openly, but this is part of my self-care.

Today I did not feel like myself, I didn’t even feel like I was really there. I physically turned up at work but the actual me was trapped under a layer of serious fatigue and anxiety. I know it’s partly jet-leg from the weekend but I know it’s also very much to do with everything that is happening at the moment.

The weekend was fab, the best nights out are the impromptu ones and I definitely blew off some of the steam that is building and bubbling under the surface (I’m surprised I haven’t started sounding like a whistling kettle). I had a lot going on during those 2 days and I’m confident that my sleep didn’t reach double digits. I spent most the weekend connecting, and reconnecting, with the awesome humans in my life and it was worth the energy depletion I’ve suffered with today, but it’s made me hyper-aware of the madness that is going on under the surface.

Self-care is so important for mental wellbeing, not just the physical, and my skills and awareness of myself have been seriously tested. I’ve spent time reading, getting out, spending time with my friends and actually talking about how I’m feeling, not just occasionally blogging about it. I also know myself well enough to see I’m very close to falling back on old coping mechanisms, namely distraction, and today my mind and body angrily reminded me that I can’t ignore how I’m feeling – it’s dangerous, I’ve been there and I don’t really fancy going there again. I have been told that I am coping admirably and I’m surprisingly calm – ALARM BELLS GUYS – these things are not necessarily good things and once up a time a counsellor told me that being able to just brush myself off and just carry on, the thing that I thought was an impressive trait, was actually a huge part of why I came crashing down. Whoops.

I’ve only allowed myself a few brief moments to properly think and feel everything that has been happening. I kind of don’t have much of a choice at the moment and I’ve joked about scheduling a breakdown for mid-August because I’ll have the time for it then, I just worry that I may have pushed everything down too much by then. I’m trying hard to not let that happen.

Self-care is also letting my mind actually think but sometimes it can be too much at the moment. When I do I just feel a huge knot of emotions and thoughts, a lot of thinking about my life, and all the things I wish I did have the time and capacity for as a 29 year old who should be living their best life. They bump into periphery occasionally and get my attention, but then I just laugh and think about how I don’t have time.

The best self-care I have right now is my singing. When I was struggling with my deep depression I had almost completely stopped and I realised how much it had been helping me before. I completely lost my confidence in my abilities at the point though and it took a long time for me to regain even half the skill I had, and to find the joy and catharsis that I once gained from belting out a few songs. It’s been so therapeutic recently and spending time doing the things you enjoy is such an important part of caring for your mental health. Don’t get me wrong, I have moments where I think maybe a mad binge of alcohol, drugs and cigarettes might also do the trick but singing, surprise cake, old photos, sunshine, walks, meaningful post cards , books, awesome people, and sleep… I guess that will do just as well.

I do not have the words right now to describe just how grateful I am to and for everyone. Even the seemingly smallest of gestures has meant the world, and is a reminder of just how awesome humans can be 🙂 cheers!

Peace and quiet

Dear Brain, Chemical Imbalance, Toxic Thought  Processes, whomever it may concern,

Thank you for this moment of peace and fucking quiet! It’s been the most ridiculously noisy and chaotic time on the inside over the last few weeks. I’ve been feeling so shitty, low, pessimistic, lonely, exhausted, defeatist, bleak, anxious, nervous, resentful, irritable, angry, listless… the list goes on.

There’s been buckets of tears, and desperate messages at 4am, and desperate cover-ups to hide the public weepy moments.

There have been last minute plans and check-ins from friends, and the cute, beaming face of my littlest nephew.

And here I am in the most peacful spot I have found just outside work and there is quiet and there is stillness in my mind and body

I treasure these moments

Letters to You

Dear You,

The future can never be known. It’s like a wall that is directly in the way of our vision that never allows us to see beyond the moment we exist in now. We feel we can plan for it – we create moments that we believe will definitely happen, such as me planning the words I write now, but these moments never quite happen how we imagine them to.
The truth is that the future is dark. Do not mistake that for hopelessness, it’s just a matter of fact. Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light  and that is where the future lies, just beyond it’s reach, just beyond our vision

What we can know is the past. We can see it stretching out behind us into infinity but like the future we can never touch it. We can see it all around us, like the echoes of the beginning of time humming quietly in the background of our universe, and we live in the consequences of it.

Which brings us to now.

Now is the only moment we can ever live in. Into the future we always travel, lighting it up as we go and bringing the future into the now. Now is the moment that has been created by the past, shaped by every now that has come before. Now is the only time we can ever touch, the only time we can affect the past and the future, simultaneously, occurring so fast that we never realise what is happening at every moment.

It’s now that I write to you, as I look back at your now and many others. The times you have lain there on your bed, staring into what seems like nothingness, when actually you are putting all that you have into trying to discern just a glimpse of what lies ahead so you can feel some relief from the fear of the unknown. What I would not give to be able to let you know that I am looking back at you during those moments at some point further along in that future that is yet to be lit up by your presence.  I have often looked back to you during many pivotal moments in my life and lightly whispered it’s going to be okay in the hope that it will be soft enough to float back to you. Maybe it has somehow and that’s why I am here. Because you knew never to give up.

I see you, that little girl. Afraid, lost, confused. I know you feel alone and abandoned, that you do not understand why this has happened to you and why everyone has left you with the monsters under the bed, your voice useless because of the storm that it can create. I know you feel that it’s all your fault, I know that you’re told it’s your fault and their word is law so it must be true, but how can it be? I know all you want is for someone to scoop you up into their arms and hold you, to tell you they love you and to make you feel safe, but everything is your fault so no one does…

One day you’re going to be surrounded by people who love you, who support you, challenge you and change you. They’re going to help you find the strength to step up and face not only the  monsters under the bed but the monster they made you make out of yourself.

And I see you, sitting alone in the dark of your home. YOUR home, a sanctuary that little girl could only dream of. Once again you’re afraid, lost and confused but now there is so much more, so much guilt for the pain you have caused. You’re going nowhere with your life and everything is your fault.
I know you cannot cope any longer with the pain you feel, the weight you carry. You can feel it crushing you, the past and your decisions, your heartache and regret. You’re isolated, forgotten and you loathe the person you have become. You’re an unwanted burden and to be gone would be a relief for those tasked with having you in their lives.
I know the only thing that stays your hand is how much you love your friend and not wanting to cause anyone any more grief by having to come home to deal with that.

One day you’re going to look in the mirror and you’re going to smile. You’ll smile because you will forgive yourself and you will love who you are. Because you know you’re not a burden but an essential part of so many lives, because you are worth something.

And I know this because you are me and I am you.

Without you I would not be me and I cannot thank you enough for all you have endured to arrive at this moment on the other side. What I would not give to reach out to you at your darkest points, just to hold you for a moment, to let you know you’re going to get to the other side and it’s going to be worth it. You will feel whole alone and yet you will feel part of something. You will find purpose and you will feel joy and you will feel these things in the simplest moments of life.

So I write this letter not just to you back then but for you in the dark, waiting to be brought into the light. For you who will have more battles to fight and more moments to reach out for. A letter that crosses all time, that reassurance that you can overcome.

Yours faithfully,

Me

Time To Talk

What a brilliant day to come back to Facebook!

Mental Health problems affect 1 in 4 of us, with many people having experienced some form of mental health issue at some point in their lives, and yet so many of us don’t talk about it or understand it. That being said, stigma surrounding mental health has lifted greatly over the years and a wonderful example of this is the huge difference in my own experiences. From first approaching a doctor 12 years ago after friends encouraged me to go and discuss what I was feeling, to my most recent visits, the level of understanding and empathy offered to me as greatly improved. 12 years ago my doctors dismissed my symptoms of anxiety because I could look her in the eye where as now the doctor listens, takes on board what is happening, and most importantly they take me seriously. Sadly I know this isn’t always the case, knowing those who have had terrible experiences with their doctors, but another wonderful example of how far we have come with understanding and stigma is that they had the wherewithal stand up and say ‘this isn’t good enough.’

That doesn’t mean we don’t need to do anything more. As someone who still battles their mental health and tries to do their part by being open about it, I can tell you there is still a way to go. Recently I have been going downhill and I have tried to do what I can to keep my head above water. I had been consistently physically unwell for 6 months which is unlike me and a fair few people knew that it was caused by a deeper underlying issue but I didn’t make the doctors appointment that I was being encouraged to make. Had it been anything else (or me to anyone else) like when I was concerned about my moles, I would have made the appointment in a flash. Sadly it wasn’t enough and I eventually drowned under the force of it. I struggled to talk about the extent of how bad it was with anyone. It took me to break at work for me to realise how bad it was.
A few people knew that I wasn’t at my best but the key element here is that I didn’t feel I could tell anyone the extent of what I was feeling. I felt ridiculous, weak, pathetic, stupid, and frustrated with myself because here I was again when surely I should be past all of this by now, and I thought everyone would think the same things. I’m not any of those things and most people don’t think those things of me, but right there is the power of stigma, even as someone who strives to be open, it’s still there enough to affect my ability to talk about and deal with my health.

Even as someone who has been dealing with anxiety and depression for many years I still have much to learn and understand about them and myself, just as much as anyone outside of these issues, and I’m grateful for the support and understanding that I have received recently. I’ve been lucky to have access to services through work which allowed me to be put in contact with a counsellor and have my first session in under a week of making the initial phonecall – that’s amazing and a luxury as well because there are a lot of services out there that people don’t know about or feel unable to access. The biggest tool that has helped has been TALKING and there is something powerful about having those conversations.
Without talking about what I have been feeling there was no way anyone could even begin to understand or help. By not talking, everything that had been bottled up ended up exploding when that little bit too much pressure was applied. Without talking I couldn’t begin to quite fully understand just why I had ended up back in that place again. And those conversations have a bigger impact than we sometimes realise – it deepens understanding, it lets those closest to you know that you need support, it can help you find the services you need that you didn’t know were there, it can lead to someone being able to support someone else better,  they may realise they may need some help themselves, or they may spot the signs and offer support to someone who may not know how to reach out.

Time to Talk Day is a hugely important day, helping to raise awareness of a subject that still needs that push, to help those suffering in silence realise they’re not alone – that’s why I do this blog – and to offer advice to those who want to help but don’t know how.

Remember, we can talk about it any day, any time, not just today. And if you want a chat, I’m here 🙂

And as always, thank you to every person that takes the time to read my blog and to support it either through wonderful messages, sharing my posts or just a like xxx

Click here to go to the Time to Talk website for a few tips on how to start those conversations

Now

If you had asked me this time last year where I thought I would be in a years time, I would not have given you a very hopeful answer. Granted, I was certainly in a much better place than I had been in years but I still felt like I was struggling against the sheer crushing, smothering force of a landslide to reach the place where I felt remotely like myself or just a functioning human being.
If you had said to me that I would no longer be living in Nuneaton and no longer with my lifelong best friend/sister, no longer working as a counter colleague at ASDA, on the other side of processing the most difficult event of my life and coming out of the most toxic relationships of my life, finally saving and planning for a future that for the first time I could see stretching beyond the next week… I would have just smiled, laughed and said, ‘yeah, ok.’

I am not the same person I was a year ago. For the first time in what feels like forever I’m actually starting to like who I am and who I am becoming, I am excited for the future as well living in the present. I’ve had the strength to finally recognise that how certain people have been treating me has been causing me harm, as much as I might care about them, and I’ve walked away. I am a little scared about the future as well; I’ve made some big changes in such a short space of time. I’ve changed job, finished counselling, ended a relationship completely, and moved out of my home town (again) to live with people I barely know (but absolutely adore) – these events are inevitably throwing me around mentally and emotionally. I moved on Sunday and I am not proud of the raging, stress-head that I was! But I broke down a little and cried because the shock of the changes that had been occurring finally hit me. I mean, not so long ago I could barely function at my new job because my anxiety was reaching new heights that I didn’t believe possible for me (more on this in another post to come), and then suddenly I felt weightless.

There is an unintentional running theme in all of this and it’s weirdly symbolic – letting go of the past and moving forward. I originally started out writing this up about a fresh start but it isn’t and that isn’t what I wanted. I’ve started to come to terms with the fact that the past HAS happened and has affected me deeply, shaping who I have become. But I have also learned that I don’t have to let that past decide things for me and I have gone and done something about it. The choices I have made over the last 6 months are me reaching that point that I have been striving so long for and that is to be able to stand on my own two feet without feeling like I need the crutch of familiarity to lean on – I don’t need to stay in my home town to know that my friends are still there for me; I don’t need to stay in the same job for security because I actually can do something different and survive the change; I don’t need to keep certain family relationships just simply for the fact that they are family because those relationships are unhealthy and I have whole load of people who are as good as family; I don’t need to cling on to the same toxic relationships because I’m afraid to be alone or won’t meet someone else, because I’m actually happy just being me yet open to someone new.

As always I am not saying that I have everything sorted, I still have a way to go – I still can’t cope with people saying nice stuff about me, for goodness sake – there are just some things that I will have to face as and when they happen, but I can now manage them in ways that allow me to still live life. There is far too much I want to do, and if anything my anxiety drives me to do things because I refuse to let it stop me.

There’s a song that has been in my head recently which I think accurately describes pretty much everything that has been happening over the last few months and I will leave you with it. This has been a pretty deep post but it feels good to get it off my chest so thanks for sticking with it 🙂

Don’t Panic!

On my way home from work on Friday I popped into my doctors and booked a couple of appointments. I have a couple of midweek days off coming up so I decided to be a responsible adult and get my smear test booked in as well as get my moles looked at (public service announcement – always get these things done as soon as so can catch anything that might have gone wrong, people)! I also booked an appointment because my anxiety is getting worse.

Walking down the stairs after training that day I thought I was going to collapse. My head span, my chest felt like it was caving in on itself and I couldn’t breathe. As those sensations passed my heart felt heavy and was pounding hard. Yes, maybe it was the fact I chose to take the stairs and my body had no idea what had hit it, but I do believe I had a small panic attack. It was this that finally pushed me to go to the doctors.

I’ve never wanted to take tablets for my mental health, mainly because I had heard a lot of negative press when I was younger, about people becoming addicted or numb. This prospect frightened me and I preferred to wait and see if how I felt would pass. Over the years I’ve started to feel different about medication as I’ve seen how it has helped many people around me, but I still didn’t want it for myself – I have preferred to deal with how I feel full force and try every other option first. But I also felt scared at the thought of taking something that might change something about me or ‘mess with my head’.

This isn’t an easy decision – part of me is concerned that my counselor will think that she hasn’t done enough. She really has and all the tools she has given me do help but I feel that what I am experiencing at the moment is not something that positive affirmations, meditation or mindful wee’s (long story) will help with. I do think that some of the issue does lie with my confidence and self-esteem issues but that is something that will take time. What I can’t cope with is the agonising pain that I am in when I first wake up in the morning, sometimes the night before like tonight, the feeling that some huge weight is crushing my chest, the jitters, my scrambled brain that goes into overdrive making it difficult for me to think straight and causes me to go into panic mode, the feeling sick – I can’t go to work every day feeling that way. It’s undermining my ability to do my job and do it well.

The medication will only be temporary, it’s just while I get to grips with my job and feel more comfortable in my role. I know that once I reach that point I will feel calmer in myself, I just need to take the weight of my anxiety off my shoulders, well, my whole body, for a while. My doctor has suggested this to me in the past when I was a whole lot worse than I am now but it didn’t feel the right thing to do then. All I needed was time away from work for me to get my head together and focus on uni; I don’t need time away from work now, I want to be able to cope and do well at work, but my anxiety is unexpectedly bad and making that difficult.

Feeling panicky and close to tears is not the way I want to be. I know I’m still recovering from being ill for a very long time, something that obviously leaves a lasting mark and takes time to get back to 100%, I’m just very impatient! But I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s ok to get a little bit of help while I get to that place.

I’ll update you all if I get the tablets and let you know how I feel about it. Can’t say I’m 100% about the idea at the moment, but I know I dislike feeling so panicky every morning much MUCH more.

Ups and downs

It doesn’t surprise me that all of a sudden it’s May, what with my new job, fitting in some kind of life, the boring adulting stuff and the amount of sleep I have desperately needed to have. I actually started a blog post a couple of weeks ago with the intention of discussing a day in the life of my anxiety but time and energy were not on my side. Today though, I will be talking about how I feel, right in the middle of it all.

Today is the first day in a long while that I have felt myself slip back into a low state. It’s not severe but enough to fill me with some doubt, to feel a tad paranoid, to over think, and to feel overly emotional.  I like to think that this is a knock on effect from being overly enthusiastic and also anxious in my new job, as well as a weekend that I had previously been concerned about, and I will hopefully even out but I still need to get through it without letting it consume me.

The past month has obviously tested just how well I really am doing. I have been constantly trying to ignore the voice in my head that keeps saying that I’m not really as OK as I think I am, that I will crumble under the pressure, that I am a fake – which has been easy to do so far thanks to the fantastic support of my colleagues and some great feedback! But that is just one month: I’m new, so how long will all of this last before I start lagging behind, before people get fed up of my constant questions, before I am told I am just not cut out for it? I’m constantly being reassured that where I am and what I am doing is where I should be, but I think my struggles to settle into my previous role are weighing on my mind, so I constantly push myself to nail things as soon as possible. I have already been told off for pushing myself too hard, beating myself up for my mistakes and for saying sorry too much! Today I was told multiple times that it’s OK that I made a mistake – told so many times in fact, that I burst out laughing! I’m glad that everyone has a sense of humour regarding my determination to not suck at my job!

My anxiety has predictably been a pain in the arse. It’s a strange situation though because I am GLAD that I am suffering with anxiety which seems more general?! When compared to the anxiety I have been suffering with over the last few years which led me to almost completely ruin my degree, my job, my social life and my home life, no one should be surprised that I feel glad at this change. That doesn’t mean I don’t also feel frustrated, because I really do. It’s still very unpredictable and messes up my cognitive functioning, sometimes being with me from the moment I wake up until I go to bed again, sometimes easing off, sometimes appearing out of the blue well after I have set off for work, and it’s harder because I don’t know what I can do about it. There is no one thing that helps: I am now more organised in the mornings because I prepare everything the night before; I go to bed more often than not at a reasonable time and I get up with enough time to do everything and get to my bus stop without having to rush; I am aware of when I can and can’t even drink tea or coffee because of how it can exacerbate my anxiety. And all of this helps, but doesn’t get rid of my anxiety entirely.

I ended up a little upset about this the other week. As much as I am so proud of myself for overcoming the worst of it all, I still feel defective because of the way my anxiety makes me think and feel. I even see the look on my partner’s face, something I am sure he isn’t completely aware of, the look that says he doesn’t understand why I would think or feel the way I do. I am sure a lot of people don’t realise that my overthinking and the pain I feel are not things I do on purpose, but are things I cannot always control. Believe me when I say that I DO NOT chose to be this way and I there are days that I cry because I hate that I don’t function like everyone else. People around me get through life not constantly questioning everything, crippled both physically and mentally – I know everyone gets anxious, it’s a natural response to the unknown, but it’s not natural to feel that way almost 90% of the time; anxiety can be overwhelming and sometimes I feel that it’s worse than depression.

I know much of my anxiety at work is because of work. It’s new and I am learning a heck of a lot, the branch I work in is a very busy one, and there are some elements of the job that I can’t just learn by following a work book which are challenging me in ways that I didn’t expect. I think I have been so caught up in work that it detracted from my worries about the weekend – I certainly had a great time, even if it did highlight some of the hurdles I have yet to overcome.

So here I am, sad that I am feeling low at the moment. I think part of the issue is not knowing how to process some of things that came up with me over the weekend, and the knowledge that there are some bigger things I need to address now that I am settling into my new job. After a bit of a discussion at my last counselling session, we agreed that it was perhaps not quite the right time to finish yet so hopefully I will come to a resolution soon. All in all I’m doing OK, trying to be kind to myself and also reminding myself that I have had a great month seeing friends, spending time with family, leaving drinks with my old colleagues, meeting new people and just good times in general.

xxx

It’s been a while!

I know everyone says it pretty much all the time but, wow, it’s April already!

I’ve been thinking about blogging again over the last few weeks, about how I want to, how I haven’t for so long, and why I haven’t. It’s been a strange and busy time, with Christmas, New Year, going away, doing a college course, striving to make time for those I haven’t seen in a long time, battling my ongoing overwhelming fatigue, looking for and a landing a new job, and having counselling. When I reflect back on the last 6 months, it’s been jam packed.

I wanted to blog during all my various states, not just when I was feeling ok and reflecting back on events. Although I can recall fairly well the emotions, the thoughts and the feelings I may have been experiencing, it’s harder to grasp some of the things that sometimes only make sense to me when in the moment. I often look back and think to myself, ‘What the hell made me think that was a logical thing to do?!’ but that’s the point I sometimes want people to understand when it comes to various mental health problems, and sometimes it’s something I want people to understand about themselves and everyone around them – everyone’s perception of the world differs because we are all shaped by different experiences, and we don’t know everything about everyone. This time however, I can look back and understand more of the why of things, and so can those closest to me. My only frustration is that even if I wasn’t going to publish posts right away, I could have still been blogging privately until it was the right time for me to publish.

Counselling

If you’re still bothering to follow and read my blog, thank you for not giving up on me! You’ll also know that I mentioned in my last post that I was about to embark on some more therapy. Well, here I am 6 months on from that first session and the world hasn’t ended! During that time I wanted to reflect on my sessions but every time I sat down to draft a post I couldn’t think of what to say, or what I felt OK to say. I firmly believe in being open about my experiences but there are some things that I just don’t feel OK to be public about and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. In fact, that’s partly what therapists and counselors are there for, to be that person you can burden with the worst stuff that you don’t feel you can share with the wider world. Not just that, but there are things I don’t feel safe to talk about publicly and, again, that time with a counselor is my safe place where I won’t be attacked or judged for how I think, feel, or for my decisions.

During my time seeing my counselor I have developed the utmost respect and admiration for all those involved in mental health services, especially those who work for services dealing with what mine does. The first time I talked about the hardest stuff, I cried. Not just because it was difficult to talk about but because of how awful it must be for them and others to hear these things. I know, I know, that’s their job I hear you cry, and I am well aware that they volunteer to do it, but that doesn’t lessen how it must make them feel. Not only did I learn a lot about myself in that one session, I truly appreciated the work these people did and the kind of people that they must be. I laughed back when I was having CBT and I had to have specific therapy sessions dedicated to saying goodbye, but now I can absolutely understand why they do that – I have definitely formed a bond with my counselor (I’m very lucky to have found one who I get on with so well as I know many people struggle to find a counselor that they are comfortable with) and there will be tears when our time together comes to an end.

I didn’t think the counseling would have much of an impact on me, I mainly did it because I didn’t know what else to do. I was certainly better but there was still a lot of pain and I was still prone to being a horrible human being, especially to those closest to me. And I was also scared that I would feel worse, that I wouldn’t cope with talking about things – I was frightened. But facing some of the scariest moments of your life can have a profound effect, it certainly did for me, and you don’t always notice straight away.
It took a long time for me to finally talk about why I was there. Myself and my counselor had laughed a few times about avoidance tactics, something I wasn’t consciously aware of doing, and when I was, I laughed when I thought they were tricking me into divulging. When the day came and I finally stopped avoiding, I didn’t instantly vomit nor did I when I got home. The world didn’t end, my counselor hadn’t told me I was making something out of nothing, and no one looked at me like I had suddenly grown an extra head. There was just relief. And hunger. My stomach was growling so violently by the end of the hour it hurt. But something much bigger occurred when I finally shared that moment, which might sound a bit cheesy, but I was finally accepting the past.

I don’t think I noticed any difference in me until about a month ago. I was reading the first of Maya Angelou’s autobiographies, ‘I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings’ (an amazing read) and a particular part struck a chord with me. I was amazed at the timing of me choosing to read that book, with a huge appreciation for the way she wrote – if you have ever read it,  you’ll know she tends to write about events with the way she thought and felt at the time, with very little interruption from her present day self. I went into my counseling session and talked about my job interview and reflected on the past week, before finally mentioning the book. I did something which is dubbed a door-knob moment, when clients tend to drop a bombshell at the end of the session and leave, sometimes never bringing up that particular thing ever again. Although I have given my counselor permission to bring things up again, she was still stunned at me suddenly dropping something at the end which could have been explored had it been mentioned sooner. But I didn’t need to explore it, I just felt I could finally say it because I finally didn’t feel alone in that experience, and the difference it has made has been profound. I was suddenly acutely aware that I had actually been improving before that moment, becoming a little more self-assure and not afraid to move on, like the fact was finally looking to leave my old job after feeling extremely under-confident about being able to do anything but what I was doing, and knowing it was time for me to move on from there. I was taking ownership of my life.It’s the sudden difference after that session  which has stunned me the most: I feel peaceful. I never truly appreciated just how much of the pain and guilt I carried was consuming much of my ability to function, until it wasn’t there anymore.

Maya didn’t state in her book ‘FORGIVE YOURSELF’ but I did anyway, for the first time ever. And with that act of forgiveness came all the other acts of forgiveness for all the things I have held against myself because I have felt I deserve to be punished. Sometimes you don’t need someone to tell you to forgive yourself, sometimes what you need is to be able to say ‘me too.’ And that is actually horrendously bittersweet. On one hand, to hear that someone else has been there as well is the most reassuring thing in the world, but it’s also devastating to know that someone else has been through the same thing.

This doesn’t mean I am now cured of my anxiety and depression. It’s certainly a step in the right direction and I am certainly more my old self than I have been for years, but the anxiety is still there, although it has been much calmer lately, and I still have many other bags to unpack. I’m sure I’ll be blogging lots about negotiating my new job with my anxiety! I just feel like I’ve pulled a ton of cotton wool out of my head and now I am thinking the most clearly that I have ever done.

Thank you so much if you’re still reading my blog! Even if it only reaches one person, if it makes a difference that’s all that matter!

🙂 xxx

World Mental Health Day – Mental Health First Aid

If you know me well enough you’ll know that I speak openly about my anxiety and depression – I try to anyway. I’ve spoken about having therapy and I always talk about how I have come a long way from when I was at my worst. But I will admit something, almost every day is a battle. Yes, I have previously mentioned that I still have bad days but I never really state that even on good days there is still a struggle with my mental health. Perhaps it’s because I worry that those who read my posts will shy away from seeking help but I wouldn’t be true to the purpose of my blog if I wasn’t being honest about my experiences.

I’m not saying that my therapy hasn’t helped, in fact it has and that’s the importance of this years World Mental Health Day – mental health first aid. We tend to give our physical health priority, or more accurately, we don’t think twice about seeking help when something physically goes wrong. Yet, more often than not, we don’t think to do this for our mental health. I know I shied away for a very long time, ignoring when my mind AND body were screaming at me that I needed to seek help, and instead I left it up until it was almost too late.

CBT hasn’t cured my anxiety or depression; in fact, I was advised that I would need to seek further therapy in order to hopefully understand and overcome the worst of it. But CBT helped me build the skills I needed to manage the feelings and emotions that I can experience on a day-to-day basis. And it really has helped. Ok, I will admit that there are days where I have felt I can’t cope, or I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, despairing… sometimes I have felt hopeless and not sure that I can keep going, but the skills I have learned from my CBT, and more recently my delving into mindfullness, have helped me to ride out those days, to recover quicker, and to reflect on and discuss them.

I’m currently about to embark on more therapy and I know it will not be easy as I will be discussing some extremely difficult experiences that will most likely make me feel pretty shit, if I’m to be blunt about it! With mental health it can be a long journey to a place where we can feel OK about things, and there will be times when we will feel pretty awful, making us wonder why we ever thought it was a good idea to seek help, or what the point of it is if it is going to feel that bad at points. But having experienced the benefits of therapy I know that it is worth it even if the road to recovery, or at least to road to managing better, is long and arduous. Mental health first aid is so important yet for so many of us it’s something we don’t know how to perform or to reach out and receive.

It doesn’t just have to be therapy. Many find some aid in just being able to open up and tell someone how they feel, knowing they’re not alone. So if you feel someone might need someone to listen, don’t hesitate to ask ‘how are you?’ or ‘fancy meeting up for a chat?’. Sometimes that’s the stepping stone someone needs to seeking professional help. Sometimes it’s the difference to for someone to find the strength to keep going.

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