On my way home from work on Friday I popped into my doctors and booked a couple of appointments. I have a couple of midweek days off coming up so I decided to be a responsible adult and get my smear test booked in as well as get my moles looked at (public service announcement – always get these things done as soon as so can catch anything that might have gone wrong, people)! I also booked an appointment because my anxiety is getting worse.
Walking down the stairs after training that day I thought I was going to collapse. My head span, my chest felt like it was caving in on itself and I couldn’t breathe. As those sensations passed my heart felt heavy and was pounding hard. Yes, maybe it was the fact I chose to take the stairs and my body had no idea what had hit it, but I do believe I had a small panic attack. It was this that finally pushed me to go to the doctors.
I’ve never wanted to take tablets for my mental health, mainly because I had heard a lot of negative press when I was younger, about people becoming addicted or numb. This prospect frightened me and I preferred to wait and see if how I felt would pass. Over the years I’ve started to feel different about medication as I’ve seen how it has helped many people around me, but I still didn’t want it for myself – I have preferred to deal with how I feel full force and try every other option first. But I also felt scared at the thought of taking something that might change something about me or ‘mess with my head’.
This isn’t an easy decision – part of me is concerned that my counselor will think that she hasn’t done enough. She really has and all the tools she has given me do help but I feel that what I am experiencing at the moment is not something that positive affirmations, meditation or mindful wee’s (long story) will help with. I do think that some of the issue does lie with my confidence and self-esteem issues but that is something that will take time. What I can’t cope with is the agonising pain that I am in when I first wake up in the morning, sometimes the night before like tonight, the feeling that some huge weight is crushing my chest, the jitters, my scrambled brain that goes into overdrive making it difficult for me to think straight and causes me to go into panic mode, the feeling sick – I can’t go to work every day feeling that way. It’s undermining my ability to do my job and do it well.
The medication will only be temporary, it’s just while I get to grips with my job and feel more comfortable in my role. I know that once I reach that point I will feel calmer in myself, I just need to take the weight of my anxiety off my shoulders, well, my whole body, for a while. My doctor has suggested this to me in the past when I was a whole lot worse than I am now but it didn’t feel the right thing to do then. All I needed was time away from work for me to get my head together and focus on uni; I don’t need time away from work now, I want to be able to cope and do well at work, but my anxiety is unexpectedly bad and making that difficult.
Feeling panicky and close to tears is not the way I want to be. I know I’m still recovering from being ill for a very long time, something that obviously leaves a lasting mark and takes time to get back to 100%, I’m just very impatient! But I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s ok to get a little bit of help while I get to that place.
I’ll update you all if I get the tablets and let you know how I feel about it. Can’t say I’m 100% about the idea at the moment, but I know I dislike feeling so panicky every morning much MUCH more.
The Anxious Extrovert 