I know everyone says it pretty much all the time but, wow, it’s April already!
I’ve been thinking about blogging again over the last few weeks, about how I want to, how I haven’t for so long, and why I haven’t. It’s been a strange and busy time, with Christmas, New Year, going away, doing a college course, striving to make time for those I haven’t seen in a long time, battling my ongoing overwhelming fatigue, looking for and a landing a new job, and having counselling. When I reflect back on the last 6 months, it’s been jam packed.
I wanted to blog during all my various states, not just when I was feeling ok and reflecting back on events. Although I can recall fairly well the emotions, the thoughts and the feelings I may have been experiencing, it’s harder to grasp some of the things that sometimes only make sense to me when in the moment. I often look back and think to myself, ‘What the hell made me think that was a logical thing to do?!’ but that’s the point I sometimes want people to understand when it comes to various mental health problems, and sometimes it’s something I want people to understand about themselves and everyone around them – everyone’s perception of the world differs because we are all shaped by different experiences, and we don’t know everything about everyone. This time however, I can look back and understand more of the why of things, and so can those closest to me. My only frustration is that even if I wasn’t going to publish posts right away, I could have still been blogging privately until it was the right time for me to publish.
Counselling
If you’re still bothering to follow and read my blog, thank you for not giving up on me! You’ll also know that I mentioned in my last post that I was about to embark on some more therapy. Well, here I am 6 months on from that first session and the world hasn’t ended! During that time I wanted to reflect on my sessions but every time I sat down to draft a post I couldn’t think of what to say, or what I felt OK to say. I firmly believe in being open about my experiences but there are some things that I just don’t feel OK to be public about and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. In fact, that’s partly what therapists and counselors are there for, to be that person you can burden with the worst stuff that you don’t feel you can share with the wider world. Not just that, but there are things I don’t feel safe to talk about publicly and, again, that time with a counselor is my safe place where I won’t be attacked or judged for how I think, feel, or for my decisions.
During my time seeing my counselor I have developed the utmost respect and admiration for all those involved in mental health services, especially those who work for services dealing with what mine does. The first time I talked about the hardest stuff, I cried. Not just because it was difficult to talk about but because of how awful it must be for them and others to hear these things. I know, I know, that’s their job I hear you cry, and I am well aware that they volunteer to do it, but that doesn’t lessen how it must make them feel. Not only did I learn a lot about myself in that one session, I truly appreciated the work these people did and the kind of people that they must be. I laughed back when I was having CBT and I had to have specific therapy sessions dedicated to saying goodbye, but now I can absolutely understand why they do that – I have definitely formed a bond with my counselor (I’m very lucky to have found one who I get on with so well as I know many people struggle to find a counselor that they are comfortable with) and there will be tears when our time together comes to an end.
I didn’t think the counseling would have much of an impact on me, I mainly did it because I didn’t know what else to do. I was certainly better but there was still a lot of pain and I was still prone to being a horrible human being, especially to those closest to me. And I was also scared that I would feel worse, that I wouldn’t cope with talking about things – I was frightened. But facing some of the scariest moments of your life can have a profound effect, it certainly did for me, and you don’t always notice straight away.
It took a long time for me to finally talk about why I was there. Myself and my counselor had laughed a few times about avoidance tactics, something I wasn’t consciously aware of doing, and when I was, I laughed when I thought they were tricking me into divulging. When the day came and I finally stopped avoiding, I didn’t instantly vomit nor did I when I got home. The world didn’t end, my counselor hadn’t told me I was making something out of nothing, and no one looked at me like I had suddenly grown an extra head. There was just relief. And hunger. My stomach was growling so violently by the end of the hour it hurt. But something much bigger occurred when I finally shared that moment, which might sound a bit cheesy, but I was finally accepting the past.
I don’t think I noticed any difference in me until about a month ago. I was reading the first of Maya Angelou’s autobiographies, ‘I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings’ (an amazing read) and a particular part struck a chord with me. I was amazed at the timing of me choosing to read that book, with a huge appreciation for the way she wrote – if you have ever read it, you’ll know she tends to write about events with the way she thought and felt at the time, with very little interruption from her present day self. I went into my counseling session and talked about my job interview and reflected on the past week, before finally mentioning the book. I did something which is dubbed a door-knob moment, when clients tend to drop a bombshell at the end of the session and leave, sometimes never bringing up that particular thing ever again. Although I have given my counselor permission to bring things up again, she was still stunned at me suddenly dropping something at the end which could have been explored had it been mentioned sooner. But I didn’t need to explore it, I just felt I could finally say it because I finally didn’t feel alone in that experience, and the difference it has made has been profound. I was suddenly acutely aware that I had actually been improving before that moment, becoming a little more self-assure and not afraid to move on, like the fact was finally looking to leave my old job after feeling extremely under-confident about being able to do anything but what I was doing, and knowing it was time for me to move on from there. I was taking ownership of my life.It’s the sudden difference after that session which has stunned me the most: I feel peaceful. I never truly appreciated just how much of the pain and guilt I carried was consuming much of my ability to function, until it wasn’t there anymore.
Maya didn’t state in her book ‘FORGIVE YOURSELF’ but I did anyway, for the first time ever. And with that act of forgiveness came all the other acts of forgiveness for all the things I have held against myself because I have felt I deserve to be punished. Sometimes you don’t need someone to tell you to forgive yourself, sometimes what you need is to be able to say ‘me too.’ And that is actually horrendously bittersweet. On one hand, to hear that someone else has been there as well is the most reassuring thing in the world, but it’s also devastating to know that someone else has been through the same thing.
This doesn’t mean I am now cured of my anxiety and depression. It’s certainly a step in the right direction and I am certainly more my old self than I have been for years, but the anxiety is still there, although it has been much calmer lately, and I still have many other bags to unpack. I’m sure I’ll be blogging lots about negotiating my new job with my anxiety! I just feel like I’ve pulled a ton of cotton wool out of my head and now I am thinking the most clearly that I have ever done.
Thank you so much if you’re still reading my blog! Even if it only reaches one person, if it makes a difference that’s all that matter!
🙂 xxx
The Anxious Extrovert 